God wants me to fully surrender

I think I always say to God : " okay God, now I totally surrender for what will happen in my life, for my plans, my future, my happiness, my pain, everything". But I just realize I never really experience to be in the state I giving back everything in me to Him. I still hold those things in my heart and still questioning God when my plan not going like I want.

I was thinking, when I proclaimed the words of God about : " I love You Lord, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all mind". Do I really love God, because to love God is to trust Him. But since I never really surrender to Him, means I only trust Him in some area in my life, and still hold the other areas in my life to work with my way.

These days, God has spoken to me about to really giving up everything that has been hindered me to come to Him, that might be I keep those as my idols.

Well, I have been staying in the middle of nowhere in this world for a week, and will stay here for another week, than I will go somewhere again. I remember, a week before I came here, God spoke to me : " take a break from your business in blackberry
group, I want you to just enjoy your time with Me". My response was : " okay God, that's sound great, I really need that, since I always feel burnt out". So I told my business partner, I wont handle any business for about 3 weeks. But I kept changing my mind, because I afraid if I'm not handle my business how I get the money, I still need money. See... I still not fully surrender to Him. So, 2 days before I arrive, I came to cell group, and again God spoke to me : "give up with your blackberry". And still my response : " okay God... ". But still I didn't obey Him. So on wednesday, during one session God spoke to me again : "give up with your blackberry, I want you to spend more time with Me". So, after three times God spoke to me, I think I better follow His instruction.


I asked God about the breakthrough for my relationship, but this time I really get an answered, that He still want to shape me and get close with Him and have a strong relationship with Him than to any other.

I asked God for ministry, and God said don't ever think about ministry when your heart far away from Me. I don't care what with you do, I want you. I want your heart.

Well, I still processing what God want me to do. I know it's not easy, but I guess it also nice to just stay in His presence and enjoying His goodness. One thing that really hit me actually, after all those things, i heard Father's Love Letter and i feel God spoke to me "I gave everything that I loved that I might gain your love". I asked myself, if God the Sovereign One gave His only Son to get my love, why should I hold on to all some temporary things. So I think, I better give up everything that I have to just fall in love in Him. So one day I can really tell Him, yes Lord, I love you with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind. I will be able to tell Him with sincere heart that He is my number one.

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