I Choose to Speak Out Against My Silence

Sst.. "Don't let others know your mistakes, it will make you ashamed", "Don't let people know your pain", and many more sentences like that. We have been told to not reveal who we really are. 

I grew up from broken family, my parents were divorced when I was 11 years old, and I lived with my grandma from my mom side in small town. My dad business also bankrupt on that time. I felt abandon, and also ashamed with my family situation, but whenever people asked me how did I feel about my situation, I used to lied and pretend everything was fine. As long as I remember, I didn't really have a good relationship with my parent. 

When I was in my university, I met a guy that I thought he love me, but I have misunderstanding between love and lust, so we commited to sexual sin. But then he left me for another woman. At that time, the feeling of guilty because I knew I have done something wrong mixed with shame, sad and anger. 

Few years later, I met another guy and again we also commited to sexual sin, this one even worse, sometimes he humiliated me by snapped me in front of his brother and his friend, and I was really afraid he left me, not because I love him, but because of my low self esteem, I thought I am not worthy of love and I deserved to treated badly, but then he cheated on my with my friend who introduced me to him. I deeply wounded and despair. I thought something wrong with me and I am unworthy.

I have experienced rejection in many forms, and it led me to shame. Shame usually follows a pattern — a cycle of self- lies that claims life after life. First, we experience an intensely painful event. Second, we believe the lie that our pain and failure is who we are — not just something we’ve done, or had done to us — and we experience shame. And finally, our feelings of shame trap us into thinking that we can never recover — that. Shame attacks our identity. Shame makes us believe, think and feel "I am bad", "I am a mistake", "I am not worthy".

So, I was hiding behind my make up to cover my insecurity, I was hiding behind my humor to cover my pain, I was hiding with angry silences and punishing withdrawals, I was hiding my true self and fake a smile as my mask, I was acting in self protective ways, so I wouldn’t suffer with rejection and I was easy to judging, hurt and condemn others based on my own hurt. I even hiding behind my ministry, yet beneath that I was afraid if people know what I have done in past, would they still love me and accept me ? 

We live lives of private defeat, but God wants to renew our hearts and minds and to send us into His world as lights shining in the darkness. God says “ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God “ Romans 8 : 15 - 16

As He says, we are His children, we are forgiveable, we are bound by the limitless of God. But we need to come to God, ask His forgiveness for every bad choices we have made, for every wrong doing we did, for every slander, judgement and blame against Him and against ourselves. We ask Him to forgive us to hurt others based on our own hurt, also as He forgive us, it would be better to release forgive others whom hurt us. 

The only thing I choose to speak out against my silence of my shame and fear because I want to walk in freedom, I don't let the enemies oppressed me. My past doesn’t define who am I. I have mistakes and failures, but I am NOT a mistake, I am NOT a failure. I don't blame anyone of the wrong decision I have made, rather I take a responsibility for my actions and choose to come to God for forgiveness, healing and deliverance.

As I write this I'm sensing God spoke to me "Yuli, you are the light of the world-like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden."

Friend, I would like to encourage you to take a moment and ask the Holy Spirit what is the hidden area in yourlives that He wants you to be free ?  If  you want to experience God’s love, I would suggest you stop hurting yourselves, and don’t be hard to yourselves. We can not change our past, so why do we need to live in regret and self condemnation. Accept God love and forgiveness, so then we can love and forgive ourselves;  and let the love of God overflow.

Blessings,
Yuliana

Be honest with your feeling...

Life is not supposed to be about feeling positive all the times. Negative emotions also part of life.
It's okay to be not okay sometimes. You don't need to hide or deny it. God created us to feel all kinds of emotions, so you don't need to feel ashamed with your negative emotions. If you keep suppressing your negative emotions and unable to freely express them, it will cause you to be more wounded than the actual circumstances and you might have difficulties in relationship with God and with people.

I used to have false belief, about as a Christian I should not show my fear, sadness, dissapontment, anger. I was scared people will judge me that I don't have faith. So, I learned how to fake a smile, I suppressed my emotion. I control my self through denial, and I even quote bible verse to give me false comfort, I told myself "everything work together for good." I'm not saying this verse is wrong, but don't use God to run from God. I mean to get ease from my pain when unpleasant thing happened, I comforted my self with food or work harder and travelling. I didn't come to Him, I tried by my own strength to heal my wound, but it's more created more wounds.

I became a bitter person, very critical and hard for me to forgive others and I also became very arrogant. I felt my relationship with God became shallow, I give Him praise and thanksgiving but my heart hold bitterness. My relationship with others also affected, I don't know how many times I hurt others by my rude comments and behaviour. It's reminded me about the quote "hurt people hurt people".

So how to deal with the negative emotions, when unpleasant things happened ? Be honest with yourself, you don't need to manipulate yourself by saying "It's okay" when actually it's not okay. When you hold  a little disappointment, a little hurt, a little anger, a little fear, actually you more likely to keep little by little garbages in your heart, it will get rotten in your heart.
"Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!" Song of Songs 2:15 NLT. And what is inside our heart will be coming out with your words and your behaviour. "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45 NLT

Then pray and share your burden to Him, how's your feeling, ask Him to counsel you, comfort you and to heal you. If possible also ask the Holy Spirit to open up the memory in the past, because maybe what do you feel now only a surface emotions that triggered from your past hurt. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalms 139:23 NLT.

You also need to be honest with others, you don't need to put mask all the times, pretend that you're okay. Nobody can read your mind nor read your feeling.

God bless 😀

GRIEF

"We cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our head, but we can prevent them from building nests in our hair."  - Chinesse proverbs

Grief is a natural emotional response when something or someone we love is taken away, when we lost someone or something we used to love or like. We don't need to be ashamed of our feeling.

Many people lives in false belief about grief, most of us suppress our grief, as many people also tell us "let it go", "don't be sad", "get over it", etc. In fact nobody can tell us how to feel nor they understand our feeling, your emotions is yours.

Grief is not orderly and predictable. We might think that we've been healed from our grief, but then all of a sudden when something happens, or some memory comes out, we may feel our heart ache again. And IT'S NORMAL. Be gentle to yourself, grief takes time to heal. Some days will be better than others. Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarassement and judgement.

It's okay to grieving but don't let your grief stop you from your activities and to receive blessing from God and others and to be blessings to others. First step to cope with our grieving is come to God,  we can be honest with our feeling and thought to Him,  share our burden, our pain, our sorrow, our heart-ache to God, ask Him to heal you and to comfort you. Then we might need people to listen our burden and pain.

If you want to comfort people who are grieving, I would like to suggest you to don't tell them how to feel, respect their emotions, walk with them, help them to pour out what inside their heart, encourage them and pray for them.

Remind them to come to God as He is the ONE who can heals the broken-hearted, bind every wounds and He is the true comforter.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."
Psalm 147:3 NLT