I Choose to Speak Out Against My Silence

Sst.. "Don't let others know your mistakes, it will make you ashamed", "Don't let people know your pain", and many more sentences like that. We have been told to not reveal who we really are. 

I grew up from broken family, my parents were divorced when I was 11 years old, and I lived with my grandma from my mom side in small town. My dad business also bankrupt on that time. I felt abandon, and also ashamed with my family situation, but whenever people asked me how did I feel about my situation, I used to lied and pretend everything was fine. As long as I remember, I didn't really have a good relationship with my parent. 

When I was in my university, I met a guy that I thought he love me, but I have misunderstanding between love and lust, so we commited to sexual sin. But then he left me for another woman. At that time, the feeling of guilty because I knew I have done something wrong mixed with shame, sad and anger. 

Few years later, I met another guy and again we also commited to sexual sin, this one even worse, sometimes he humiliated me by snapped me in front of his brother and his friend, and I was really afraid he left me, not because I love him, but because of my low self esteem, I thought I am not worthy of love and I deserved to treated badly, but then he cheated on my with my friend who introduced me to him. I deeply wounded and despair. I thought something wrong with me and I am unworthy.

I have experienced rejection in many forms, and it led me to shame. Shame usually follows a pattern — a cycle of self- lies that claims life after life. First, we experience an intensely painful event. Second, we believe the lie that our pain and failure is who we are — not just something we’ve done, or had done to us — and we experience shame. And finally, our feelings of shame trap us into thinking that we can never recover — that. Shame attacks our identity. Shame makes us believe, think and feel "I am bad", "I am a mistake", "I am not worthy".

So, I was hiding behind my make up to cover my insecurity, I was hiding behind my humor to cover my pain, I was hiding with angry silences and punishing withdrawals, I was hiding my true self and fake a smile as my mask, I was acting in self protective ways, so I wouldn’t suffer with rejection and I was easy to judging, hurt and condemn others based on my own hurt. I even hiding behind my ministry, yet beneath that I was afraid if people know what I have done in past, would they still love me and accept me ? 

We live lives of private defeat, but God wants to renew our hearts and minds and to send us into His world as lights shining in the darkness. God says “ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God “ Romans 8 : 15 - 16

As He says, we are His children, we are forgiveable, we are bound by the limitless of God. But we need to come to God, ask His forgiveness for every bad choices we have made, for every wrong doing we did, for every slander, judgement and blame against Him and against ourselves. We ask Him to forgive us to hurt others based on our own hurt, also as He forgive us, it would be better to release forgive others whom hurt us. 

The only thing I choose to speak out against my silence of my shame and fear because I want to walk in freedom, I don't let the enemies oppressed me. My past doesn’t define who am I. I have mistakes and failures, but I am NOT a mistake, I am NOT a failure. I don't blame anyone of the wrong decision I have made, rather I take a responsibility for my actions and choose to come to God for forgiveness, healing and deliverance.

As I write this I'm sensing God spoke to me "Yuli, you are the light of the world-like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden."

Friend, I would like to encourage you to take a moment and ask the Holy Spirit what is the hidden area in yourlives that He wants you to be free ?  If  you want to experience God’s love, I would suggest you stop hurting yourselves, and don’t be hard to yourselves. We can not change our past, so why do we need to live in regret and self condemnation. Accept God love and forgiveness, so then we can love and forgive ourselves;  and let the love of God overflow.

Blessings,
Yuliana

Be honest with your feeling...

Life is not supposed to be about feeling positive all the times. Negative emotions also part of life.
It's okay to be not okay sometimes. You don't need to hide or deny it. God created us to feel all kinds of emotions, so you don't need to feel ashamed with your negative emotions. If you keep suppressing your negative emotions and unable to freely express them, it will cause you to be more wounded than the actual circumstances and you might have difficulties in relationship with God and with people.

I used to have false belief, about as a Christian I should not show my fear, sadness, dissapontment, anger. I was scared people will judge me that I don't have faith. So, I learned how to fake a smile, I suppressed my emotion. I control my self through denial, and I even quote bible verse to give me false comfort, I told myself "everything work together for good." I'm not saying this verse is wrong, but don't use God to run from God. I mean to get ease from my pain when unpleasant thing happened, I comforted my self with food or work harder and travelling. I didn't come to Him, I tried by my own strength to heal my wound, but it's more created more wounds.

I became a bitter person, very critical and hard for me to forgive others and I also became very arrogant. I felt my relationship with God became shallow, I give Him praise and thanksgiving but my heart hold bitterness. My relationship with others also affected, I don't know how many times I hurt others by my rude comments and behaviour. It's reminded me about the quote "hurt people hurt people".

So how to deal with the negative emotions, when unpleasant things happened ? Be honest with yourself, you don't need to manipulate yourself by saying "It's okay" when actually it's not okay. When you hold  a little disappointment, a little hurt, a little anger, a little fear, actually you more likely to keep little by little garbages in your heart, it will get rotten in your heart.
"Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!" Song of Songs 2:15 NLT. And what is inside our heart will be coming out with your words and your behaviour. "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45 NLT

Then pray and share your burden to Him, how's your feeling, ask Him to counsel you, comfort you and to heal you. If possible also ask the Holy Spirit to open up the memory in the past, because maybe what do you feel now only a surface emotions that triggered from your past hurt. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalms 139:23 NLT.

You also need to be honest with others, you don't need to put mask all the times, pretend that you're okay. Nobody can read your mind nor read your feeling.

God bless 😀

GRIEF

"We cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our head, but we can prevent them from building nests in our hair."  - Chinesse proverbs

Grief is a natural emotional response when something or someone we love is taken away, when we lost someone or something we used to love or like. We don't need to be ashamed of our feeling.

Many people lives in false belief about grief, most of us suppress our grief, as many people also tell us "let it go", "don't be sad", "get over it", etc. In fact nobody can tell us how to feel nor they understand our feeling, your emotions is yours.

Grief is not orderly and predictable. We might think that we've been healed from our grief, but then all of a sudden when something happens, or some memory comes out, we may feel our heart ache again. And IT'S NORMAL. Be gentle to yourself, grief takes time to heal. Some days will be better than others. Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarassement and judgement.

It's okay to grieving but don't let your grief stop you from your activities and to receive blessing from God and others and to be blessings to others. First step to cope with our grieving is come to God,  we can be honest with our feeling and thought to Him,  share our burden, our pain, our sorrow, our heart-ache to God, ask Him to heal you and to comfort you. Then we might need people to listen our burden and pain.

If you want to comfort people who are grieving, I would like to suggest you to don't tell them how to feel, respect their emotions, walk with them, help them to pour out what inside their heart, encourage them and pray for them.

Remind them to come to God as He is the ONE who can heals the broken-hearted, bind every wounds and He is the true comforter.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."
Psalm 147:3 NLT

When you lose your sight ...

Listen, my radiant one—

if you ever lose sight of me

just follow in my footsteps where I lead my lovers.

Come with your burdens and cares.

Come to the place near the sanctuary of my shepherds—

there you will find me.

Song of Songs 1 : 8 TPT

First of all, do you guys know for God you are His dearest ? For Him you are His radiant one ? For Him you are His loveliest one ? --selah

But hey, do you know guys, even in your darkest moment or even if you're wandering, you're asking yourself "Why God ? Where are You, God ?"

God still calls you His beloved one.

I think in our lives, we ever made some mistakes, or wrong decisions or maybe we have ruined our lives or we have been so angry or maybe... 

Oh well, whatever we have done in our lives, God still calls us His beautiful one. He is longing for us to come back to His sanctuary. 

These 2 things I've learned from this passage, when we have problem or we feel like we are in the wrong path :

1. We need to come back to God, seek Him, praise Him, and follow His instructions. Give all of our burdens and cares to Him. 

“Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.”

Psalms 55:22 NLT

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

1 Peter 5:7 NLT

2. It is ok to share your burdens to your friends, so they can pray for you and encourage you to stay on track with God. 

“Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises. Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”

James 5:13-16 NLT

So yes brethens, when we face difficulties in our lives, run to God first then maybe after that you can ask your friend(s) to pray for you, don't do it in reverse. 

To Know Him Is To Love Him

Tiba-tiba teringat lagu ini, dari judul lagu nya, saya seperti di ingatkan untuk mengenal seseorang itu kita harus mengasihi mereka terlebih dahulu, walo ada pepatah tak kenal maka tak sayang, tapi utk lebih mengenal orang lebih dalam kita harus mengasihi mereka dulu. Kenapa ? Karena kalau menurut saya ketika kita mulai mengenal seseorang lebih dalam, maka kita bisa melihat kelebihan dan kekurangan orang itu, dan kecenderungan kita adalah bisa menerima kelebihan orang lain tapi sulit untuk menerima kekurangan orang lain. Sebaliknya jika kita mengasihi orang itu terlebih dahulu tanpa kita perlu mengenal mereka lebih dalam, kita bisa menerima apa adanya, dan itu yang kita sebut unconditional love. Ketika mereka jatuh dalam godaan pun, kita bisa lebih membantu mereka untuk kembali ke jalan yang benar tanpa kita menghakimi atau mengkritik perbuatan mereka. 

Sebagai bahan renungan aja : 

“Sekalipun aku dapat berkata-kata dengan semua bahasa manusia dan bahasa malaikat, tetapi jika aku tidak mempunyai kasih, aku sama dengan gong yang berkumandang dan canang yang gemerincing. 

Sekalipun aku mempunyai karunia untuk bernubuat dan aku mengetahui segala rahasia dan memiliki seluruh pengetahuan; dan sekalipun aku memiliki iman yang sempurna untuk memindahkan gunung, tetapi jika aku tidak mempunyai kasih, aku sama sekali tidak berguna. Dan sekalipun aku membagi-bagikan segala sesuatu yang ada padaku, bahkan menyerahkan tubuhku untuk dibakar, tetapi jika aku tidak mempunyai kasih, sedikit pun tidak ada faedahnya bagiku.

Kasih itu sabar; kasih itu murah hati; ia tidak cemburu. Ia tidak memegahkan diri dan tidak sombong. Ia tidak melakukan yang tidak sopan dan tidak mencari keuntungan diri sendiri. Ia tidak pemarah dan tidak menyimpan kesalahan orang lain.

Ia menutupi segala sesuatu, percaya segala sesuatu, mengharapkan segala sesuatu, sabar menanggung segala sesuatu. Kasih tidak berkesudahan; nubuat akan berakhir; bahasa roh akan berhenti; pengetahuan akan lenyap. Sebab pengetahuan kita tidak lengkap dan nubuat kita tidak sempurna. Tetapi jika yang sempurna tiba, maka yang tidak sempurna itu akan lenyap.

Demikianlah tinggal ketiga hal ini, yaitu iman, pengharapan dan kasih, dan yang paling besar di antaranya ialah kasih.”

1 Korintus 13:1-5, 7-10, 13 TB

Firman diatas cukup jelas, apapun yang kita punya, apapun yang kita lakukan, jika kita tidak memiliki kasih, semuanya akan sia-sia. 

Let's find the beauty from the ashes.

Kidung Agung 1 : 5 - 7

Beberapa hal yang menghalangi kita untuk datang ke Tuhan dan lebih intim dengan Tuhan

Kidung Agung 1 : 5 "Memang hitam aku, tetapi cantik, hai puteri-puteri Yerusalem, seperti kemah orang-orang Kedar, seperti tirai-tirai orang Salma"

- > Memang hitam aku,

kita sadar kelemahan kita atau bahkan kita sadar dengan dosa kita.

Manusia pertama, Adam setelah melanggar Tuhan dengan memakan buah pengetahuan, dia bersembunyi dari Tuhan, bukan karena dia sadar karena dia telanjang, tapi dia tau bahwa dia berbuat salah. 

-> Seperti kemah orang-orang Kedar, seperti tirai-tirai orang Salma. 

Ini kemah orang Kedar. Kemah yang berada di padang gurun.

Ada saat dimana kita merasa hubungan kita dengan Tuhan merasa kering. Kita merasa doa kita ga dijawab atau Tuhan menjawab doa kita dengan bilang Tidak. Kita seperti melakukan banyak hal tapi ga melihat hasilnya. 

Kidung Agung 1 : 6 "Janganlah kamu perhatikan bahwa aku hitam, karena terik matahari membakar aku. Putera-putera ibuku marah kepadaku, aku dijadikan mereka penjaga kebun-kebun anggur, kebun anggurku sendiri tak ku jaga"

-> Janganlah kamu perhatikan bahwa aku hitam.

Banyak orang yang mengingatkan kita akan kesalahan kita di masa lalu, atau banyak orang yang hanya melihat kekurangan kita. 

-> Karena terik matahari membakar aku.

Putera-putera ibuku marah kepadaku, aku dijadikan mereka penjaga kebun anggur, kebun anggurku sendiri tak kujaga.

We feel BURN OUT !! 

Kita sering kali karena kesibukan, terlalu banyak kegiatan yang kita lakukan, malah lupa untuk benar-benar datang kepada Tuhan. Kita jadikan doa dan baca firman itu hanya sebagai rutinitas.

Dari bulan November sampai menjelang imlek kemaren, saya sibuk, dan karena saya juga masih menyempatkan diri untuk bersosialisasi, saya sering kali harus lembur untuk menyelesaikan pekerjaan saya. Yes, saya masih berdoa, masih baca firman, tapi saya merasa waktu yang saya berikan untuk bersosialisasi dengan Tuhan itu kurang. Ini juga alasan saya untuk merenungkan kembali kitab Kidung Agung, I want to feel pursued by God. 

Itu adalah contoh hal yang menghalangi kita datang dan mempunyai hubungan yang lebih dekat dengan kita. 

Kalau kita pada saat ini merasa seperti itu, mari kita datang ke Tuhan. Seperti yang dilakukan oleh mempelai wanita dalam kitab Kidung Agung ini.

Kidung Agung 1 : 7 "Ceritakanlah kepadaku, jantung hatiku, dimana kakanda menggembalakan domba, dimana kakanda membiarkan domba-domba berbaring pada petang hari. Karena mengapa aku akan jadi serupa pengembara, dekat kawanan-kawan domba teman-temanmu"

Ketika kita merasa lelah dengan kehidupan kita, ketika kita hilang arah tentang tujuan hidup kita. Kita tau bahwa kita bisa selalu kembali ke Tuhan, meminta tuntunannya. 

Mazmur 23 : 1, mengingatkan kita bahwa Tuhan adalah gembala yang baik, dan Dia saja yang bisa mencukupi kebutuhan kita, bukan hanya kebutuhan jasmani kita tapi juga kebutuhan rohani kita.

Tuhan Memberkati.

Kidung Agung 1 : 1 - 4

Kidung Agung 1 : 1 - 4 

Mempelai perempuan dan puteri-puteri Yerusalem.

Mempelai perempuan -> kita semua orang yang percaya dan menerima Yesus.

Mempelai laki-laki / Raja : Yesus

Ayat 1 - 3 

-> ketika kita mengingat semua kebaikan dan kasih Tuhan ke kita, ketika kita meminta Tuhan masuk dalam kehidupan kita. 

Ay 3 : "harum bau minyakMu, bagaikan minyak yang tercurah namaMu, oleh sebab itu gadis-gadis cinta kepadaMu"

 

Kemaren salah satu point kothbah Pak Joko, kita sebagai orang Kristen punya label untuk menjadi garam dan terang bagi lingkungan sekitar kita. 

Ketika kita benar-benar hidup dalam Kristus, seharusnya orang-orang yang belum mengenal Yesus bisa melihat Kristus dalam kehidupan kita. Karena kita tau action speak louder than words.

_selah_

Ayat 4a : "tariklah aku dibelakangmu, marilah kita cepat-cepat pergi ! Sang Raja telah membawa aku ke dalam mahligai-mahligai Nya" 

Kita tau bahwa Tuhan yang memilih kita,  bahkan Tuhan mengejar kita dengan menunjukkan kebaikkanNya.

Dalam terjemahan bahasa Inggris TPT Version )

->  "Draw me into Your heart and lead me out, we will run away together into Your cloud filled chamber"

Waktu saya baca ini, saya diingatkan kalau saya yang mengambil keputusan untuk kembali ke Tuhan, untuk ikut Tuhan, dan untuk selalu meminta Tuhan menuntun saya. 

Hari ini saya diingatkan apa dalam perjalanan hidup saya, apa saya sudah benar-benar hidup dalam Tuhan ?

However, ketika saya merespon Tuhan untuk masuk dalam kehidupan gw, Tuhan lebih menginginkan saya ( n i believe all of you too ) untuk lebih mengenal dan mempunyai deeper intimacy dengan Tuhan.

Seperti yang tertulis, Sang Raja telah membawa aku ke dalam mahligai-mahligai Nya. 

Mahligai - bedroom. 

My conclusion :

Tuhan yang "mengejar" kita dengan menunjukkan kasih Nya kepada kita, ketika Tuhan ada dalam hidup kita, orang disekitar kita, seharusnya orang di sekitar kita yang belum mengenal Tuhan, bisa melihat ada perbedaan yang baik dalam hidup kita. 

Tapi terlebih dari itu, ketika kita merespon Tuhan untuk masuk dalam hidup kita. 

Tuhan malah mau kita untuk lebih intim dengan kita.